The Intentional Lifestyle

I’ve been keeping an online private journal for the last 17 years.
I haven’t written in it every day, but when my kids were young, I used it as a space to journal, pray and process all that I was going through.
Here’s a journal entry from May 2, 2010- just five months after giving birth to my second born.

“Just watched an episode of NBC's Parenthood. Bryan and I cry at least once during the show without fail. This week was about the mom getting a chance to work fulltime at an amazing job she always wanted to do. She spoke about it with such passion, such excitement, such life. Her husband was amazingly supportive and encouraged further conversation on how they would arrange their family's lives around the possibility of her new career. Hire a nanny, ask Grandma for help, arrange car rides for this and for that- as the husband maps out the plan, you can see the glimmer of hope disappear from the mom's eyes as tears glaze over them... She then says, "Oh, it's not the right time. I can do it later. Our kids only grow up once. I can do this later." The husband insists, " No, I want you to do this. I don't want you to feel like you missed out on something great." She says, "No, I won't regret it."

Moms. Interesting species. More interesting when you become one. Something in you changes- in all senses of that word. After I had Isabella, I was so sure I wanted a full time career, be successful, and all that jazz. Then a year into it, I couldn't stand the fact that I didn't know what she ate during the day, what toys she liked, that I spent more time with other people than my own daughter. Now, with Joshua, I am finally home again. And I am loving it- but it is no joke. How did my mom do it all with a full time job? What did she give up to do it all? I think this is a strict requirement of Mom-hood. Must be willing to sacrifice. But the funny thing is, it's not like you don't want to or that it hurts so much to do so. You do it because you love them, your family so much, and it's just a given. Of course I save the big strawberries for Isabella because she loves them. Of course I wake up after two hours of sleep to feed both my children who are hungry. Of course I buy multiple multiple pairs of clothing for my children, because they need to look cute! Those seem so trivial- but in each situation I could choose something for myself- eat what I want to eat, sleep when I want to sleep, buy what I want to buy- but I don't- it's almost automatic. But there's that one part that seems to be the hardest to sacrifice- wanting to be good at something, really good that people commend you, pay you and crown you SUCCESSFUL.

I'm pursuing real estate these days- something flexible to work around the kids' schedules. We started on our first flip project last month and we're already three weeks in construction. I'm excited for this new career I'm pursuing. Where will it go? What will God do with it? I want to be good at it, I want to provide for my family through this. But do I have the discipline and will power? Will I just half-heartedly attempt to do this, like many things in my life? It comes to this one word- Fear. Fearful that if I really do try my best, my hardest, and then fail, then I really must not be smart enough , good enough and I am truly a failure. Better to not try at all and blame it on being "too busy."

Wow. It just hit me. I'm a grown woman. An adult who has two kids, a husband, a budding career and an amazing church family. That's almost too much pressure in itself! How am I going to handle all of that? Can I possibly be good at a "job" and be a good mom, wife, pastor, etc? It's not possible to be good at EVERYTHING, right? Is it okay to be mediocre, just OK, just a B minus or C in any of these things? Is it okay to have a crazy messy house, not cook, and just take care of the kids? Is it okay to be super successful in my real estate, hire a nanny to cook and clean and take care of the kids? Why is nothing black and white? Who sets these rules and standards? Did I set them up in my own life, own head?”

I was 30 when I wrote this- married for five years, mom to a three year old and an infant. There was so much I wanted to do- be a good mom, cook for my kids, keep the house clean, do amazing crafts with them, and then be a bad ass business woman. Too much to ask? haha when I think about how ambitious I was, it’s kinda cute and funny at the same time.

If I could speak to my 30 year old self, I would say- don’t worry so much about how successful you will be or what you’re NOT doing for your kids. I would say enjoy your kids’ every laugh, every moment that you get to walk them to the park, nap when they nap(really, if you can- do it), and take time to work on yourself. Hug your kids when they lose it, because that’s all they need. Don’t think you have to change something drastically, but that one small thing you want to work on- that’s good enough.

I can’t say that I was a perfect parent, or perfect wife, perfect daughter, but one thing I know I’ve done the last 19 years raising my kids, is that I was very intentional about every decision we made - from where we lived, to the job I had, and the what we did as a family.

Bryan being a pastor put all kinds of pressure on my family, many of it which is unseen but silently carried by me, by the kids. But we made sure to always participate in what we knew God was calling our family to do.

One of these things that really shaped our family was participating in Safe Families- a respite program run through Olive Crest to help children and families in crisis. It was an effort to prevent families being separated and kids going into foster care. Churches would participate in this program and people in our congregation would commit to helping kids in crisis- such as parents needing to attend rehab or needing help with their kids so they can go to work or get training for a new job. My youngest twins were 5-6 years old and we would watch children for 2 days and up to two weeks at a time. Even at that young age, my kids understood what we were doing and why we were doing it. Once, we watched a two year old who stayed with us a month. My kids were begging to adopt him. I ended up breaking my foot during this time and so we couldn’t care for him anymore, but my kids almost blame me that if I didn’t get hurt, we could’ve watched him longer. LOL

Our church also runs multiple programs for children with special needs and their families. We offer a respite care program once a month for families to drop off their children with special needs and their siblings, and our church members watch the kids while the parents get a break for four hours. My kids have participated in this with us and know how much we value making a space for everyone.

So while I would always stress about my career and if I was doing a good job- one thing I know is that we have raised our kids thus far with intentionality, and even though one day my kids may all need therapy lol, I know they will at least say that my parents always fought for injustice and tried to live helping those who needed it the most.

So here’s to intentional living- it doesn’t always lead to money or a successful life, but my prayer is that it will lead to a fulfilled life.