Is this a perpetual space that I can never leave?
As long as I can remember, ever since I became a mom, I’ve lived in this liminal space of in-between. I want to be home with my kids but I want to be in the workforce and do something of my own. I want to be super involved in my husband’s ministry, but I also want a life of my own. I start one job and then I wonder if it’s not that right one for me.
I often wonder- how has this become my norm? Where I am not content neither here nor there. I live in a state of feeling like I never quite am good enough in whichever season I’m in.
But now, I’m desperate. I’m desperate to find something to call my own, to stay in it and not stop in the middle.
That one thing for me has been content creation. I love the idea of telling stories, making videos, having people be inspired to live a certain lifestyle of values.
But the sad thing is, I can’t rely on it for income right now. If I was in my twenties, with nothing to lose, with no one depending on me, I could try it and not be so timid. But I can’t. We need every last dollar.
And then another dread comes over me- what if I start doing social media full time and I hate it. and my content turns boring because I’m just making videos about making videos lol. The irony of it all.
I’ve had a hard line of not talking too much about my family, showing too much of what’s happening to protect my family’s privacy. But I have ideas after ideas of what I want to post. I think I could make videos the rest of my life about everything and anything.
Anyway, that’s just where I’m at right now. Feeling a little discouraged, feeling a little sad. Feeling like I don’t know where to go from here.
Stay tuned- my story is not over yet.
The best is yet to come…
